Step 1. Acquire a Contabo VPS
Everyone knows that Contabo is the number one source of premium virtual private servers (and also the cheapest).
Find the nearest credit card from your parent's wallets and buy yourself a server. Look for the one with the most ram as that will enable you to sell the most servers.
When ordering, be sure to install Ubuntu 14.04, because 16.04 and 18.04 are newer, thus consuming more of your valuable RAM. We can't have that. Plus, our game server panel is fully compatible with 14.04.
Step 2. Set up SWAP
SWAP is an amazin' technology that allows you to magically turn your hard drive into ram! Yes, you heard that right. You can turn your hard rive into ram. This works especially well with SCSI drives as they are much faster than your regular HDD.
Running out of ram? Just sell SWAP, it is just as good. Remember not to give this secret away to anyone, including your clients. If you ever run out of SCSI drives and are broke you can always use a USB instead! Checkout this guide for instructions.
Step 3. Install Nulled WHMCS
You're currently in the "testing phase", which means you have an excuse for using a nulled copy of WHMCS. Google "Nulled WHMCS" and click the first link that looks appealing.
Hopefully the website you're looking for has a shoutbox or chat, which means you can have people guide you through the entire install, including the part where ionCube doesn't work or when you find you installed Php7.1 on top of Php5.1.
Step 4. Install Pterodacley
Pterodactylylee is the most important part of this since it's where you'll be hosting all of your servers. We recommend Pterodactil, for its ability to run more than one type of game server, and most importantly, it's free.
You can head over to pterodacly.io and click the Discord button, where you can proceed to spam #support and call the panel trash to get people to help you install it. This is the most crucial step so do it carefully. You can also find a old installer on youtube or google to do it for you. In this case the older Pterodactl will work fine for making some quick money on a budget. After all we don't have the $$$ for system admins, remember.
Warning: If anyone tells you to remove the default Nginx config, whatever that is, don't remove it as you'll need it for your website to work properly.
Step 5. Link WHMCS to Pterodacley
You don't want to create servers manually, do you? Neither do I. Luckily for you, there's a free WHMCS module available for hosts just like yours! Head into the #whmcs channel in the Pterodactyl Discord server you joined earlier and spam until someone sends you the download link.
Once you've done that, hire a sysadmin (or a web developer they're all the same) on MC-Market to install it for you because you're "too lazy". Once you find someone that's willing to install it for $0.43, you can proceed to the next step. But wait, we need that money back from the two year old you likely just gave it to, so now lets open a PayPal dispute and use inspect element in our beowser to change a few things around on our evidence. Here's a template to get you past PayPal support (It's basically a free ticket)
Step 6. Download a template
Since no one actually wants to code a website, have a look around Themeforest and find a Minecraft hosting template that looks good.
Wait, WTF? This template is $9? You can't afford that! You're still in the "testing phase"! Google "Themeforest
Template Name Here Template Nulled" and download them one by one until it doesn't give you a virus. Upload it to your default Nginx directory,
/var/www/html/, and edit away with notepad!
Word of Advice: Some people may suggest using something along the lines of Atom or VSCode for editing your template. Ignore them, Notepad is the fastest and most efficient editor on the market currently, and it's built into Windows!
Step 6 1/2. Customize your template
The cheaper your services, the better, but you still want to make a profit. Since you're not a registered host and are still in the "testing phase", which means you don't have to pay taxes, I recommend starting at $0.99/GB for base pricing, to attract any potential customers that may have a sensitive budget, much like you.
Be sure to also advertise your node specs boldly on the front page, and the DDoS protection that you definitely have (Cough, 480 GBps, cough, thats what all the good providers offer). Also, I would exaggerate the node specs so customers can proudly show off what they bought and don't think you're overselling, creating a sense of pride and satisfaction.
Step 7. Get a domain
Every host has to have a domain to look good. You wouldn't want a free subdomain like
explosivehosting.weebly.com for your hosting, would you
You're going to need one of your parent's credit card again for this step. Head over to our special Namecheap link and pick up yourself a .host domain, you can pick whatever you want. It's only $1 for the first year, so they probably won't notice it go through.Be sure to enable auto-renewal for the domain so it won't suddenly stop working. Not like you're gonna be charged $70 after that or anything. Pftt, seriosuly, we don't even need that because our servers are so good. Instead check out Freenom.
Step 8. Use Cloudflare
The market is extremely competitive, so it is crucial not to give away your actual provider. You wouldn't want your competitors to find out your Contabo VPS, wouldn't you? Use Cloudflare to manage your domain and turn that orange cloud on.
Lie that you own the hardware. It is a good marketing strategy after all. If your clients are somehow smart enough to check the IP, just tell them you are collocating. Nothing can go wrong from there 😘
Step 9. Offer Discord Support
WHMCS Tickets can be slow and annoying for customers, be sure to create a Discord server and offer support there.
Word of Advice: You may want to mute the support channel on your server as the constant pinging can get annoying while you're in lower school or watching YouTube.
Step 10. Advertise your host
Now that you've got yourself a genuine WinterHoax™, it's time to advertise it on MC-Market, the same place you hired your sysadmin from earlier. A good suggestion is to also setup your territory on planet minecraf and the minecraf fourms as well.
Before you do that though, you should hire a graphic designer from MC-Market to make you a cool thread template design, and then do a PayPal chargeback afterward. They don't really need the money at all, trust me.
To get the most clients, search for "Minecraft server" in the search bar, and rapidly copy/paste your thread template
you paid for you got earlier into the reply box on the page.
You may also want to go into the Hosting - Offering category and paste it there as well for maximum effectiveness.
Step 10 1/2. Create a logo
How the hell do you expect your host to be recognised without a logo? It's the heart and soul of every WinterHoax™.
First of all, download Microsoft PowerPoint if you don't have it already (if you don't you can get a cracked version free online - just search up
PowerPoint cracked free download online no virus and click on the first link that looks appealing).
You're going to have to make your brand memorable, so I'd recommend adding a square, some clip art and your WinterHoax™'s name in a popular font such as Comic Sans. Then open snipping tool and take a
high quality 4K capture of your logo.
You can now add this logo to every single place on your website to make sure people know it's MineHost™ and not Enteron.
Step 11. Defend your host
You may receive some backlash from the community in the form of negative reputation and namecalling.
The hosting market is like the battlefield, you've gotta kill or get killed. Be sure to deflect anything they throw at you with insults, personal attacks (recommended), DDoS attacks, and other things that may want to make them cry. Offer to 1v1 them IRL too, that usually shuts them up pretty quickly.
A good example of someone doing this properly and effectively can be seen below:
(These are real unaltered screenshots from the Pterodactyl Discord earlier)
And in case you wonder, yes, this whole guide is a joke. Don't take it seriously. And please, for God's sake, don't follow it.